Spain’s #1 Knight-wit
(Super) Man of La Mancha
The Knight in Yellow
An Impossible Dreamer
Endu actually drew each of these POW! BIFF! BOOM! sound effects himself.
I had a hard time converting the windmills to the Yellow Sign, until I just realized I could have one of the sails snap off as it spun, leaving only 3.
Up, Up and Away combined with a bit of the Ultraman transformation. He doesn’t turn huge, but neither do the Ultramen in that manga they’re doing right now. So I think we’re good.
On this episode of 1000 Ways to Die…
Background by Joseph Watmough
The Last Knight Returns
The Amber Arm of Aeons
Illustration: Endu
Scenario: OroJuice
VA: Fumihiko Tachiki
Parameters
Strength: D
Endurance: EX
Agility: D
MP: D
Luck: D
Noble Phantasm: EX
Class Skills
Entity of the Outer Realm EX
Independent Action EX
Ingenious Gentleman B
Mania A
Personal Skills
Mirage Crusader/The Fool Beyond/Knight of Dreams
Superior Shield/Dank Door/Hope’s Helm
Glorious Quest/Unbearable Sorrow/Heavenly Cause
Character Info
To the cynics, he is the central clown of a cautionary tale. To the romantics, he is an indelible icon of an uplifting saga.
Whatever the truth of the matter, he remains Don Quixote, the half-mad protagonist and would-be knight-errant of Miguel de Cervantes’ book of the same name.
Borne from his feats and follies, his bizarre fame has overshadowed that of many of the classic chivalric figures he admired and sought to emulate, both in Spain and beyond. Hazy are recollections of the once illustrious Amadís de Gaul’s jaunts, and yet how sharply one can convey episodes from what is widely considered to be the world’s first true modern novel (even if they might never have so much as leafed through Don Quixote’s pages!).
That same earnest and eccentric epic has inspired not just the artists who came after Cervantes over the centuries, but entrepreneurs, soldiers, scientists, vigilantes, politicians, and the odd revolutionary or two as well.
Of note, his escapades were of particular comfort to physicist Albert Einstein and his sister Maja, as he read them aloud to her at her bedside during her final days on Earth.
Profile 1
Height: 178cm
Weight: 54.88kg
Source: Don Quixote
Region: Spain
Alignment: Neutral Madness
Gender: Male
Attribute: Star
“Chuuni? HARSH!"
Profile 2
"In the twilight of Spain’s Golden Age, a time and place of prosperity and persecution, country gentleman Alonso Quixana undergoes a most unorthodox metamorphosis. Clad in his ancestral armor and filled with wondrous purpose by legends of old, he journeys alongside his squire Sancho Panza to restore the epochs of virtue and valor as DON QUIXOTE DE LA MANCHA!”
So you see, Alonso resembling a superhero here isn’t so strange.
You could go far as to say he is the godfather of the very concept.
A champion not of destiny or divinity, but one of decision and disguise.
Likewise, his many misadventures were more fable than farce, and often contemplated on heady subjects of morality, etiquette, politics, duty, and redemption, with the satire softened and made sweet with silliness.
Lesser known and lionized was the knight’s almost supernatural ability to facilitate happy endings for others. Through the delightful disarray his deeds wrought, many found the courage to push back against a repressive and supposedly insurmountable status quo, achieving vindication and closure, if not wholesale fortunate conclusions.
Thus, while his own demise was far from merry, he had more than earned the saintly (and final) moniker he gave himself: Alonso Quixana the Good.
Profile 3
As a Heroic Spirit, Don Quixote was often summoned in the Lancer, Rider, Berserker, and (very seldomly) Saber Classes at the height of his madness and with only a pittance of his wisdom, as that is the state of him most prominent in the human conscience.
He battled criminals he rightfully believed to be brigands, charged at contraband-filled airplanes (and their rotors) he wrongfully believed were mere windmills, guided an ailing young man through the weird wilds of America after a botched Demi-Servant experiment, won a baseball championship for the New York Yankees, and fought (and occasionally fought alongside) more “legitimate” heroes in Holy Grail Wars.
It was at the climax of one such Holy Grail War that he clashed with his devious double, the progenitor of unchecked villainy for its own sake, the Assassin known only as Fantomas.
Unwilling to accept defeat at the hands of someone as asinine as he was altruistic, Fantomas shattered every safeguard he had put in place to contain a distorted demiurge whose powers he had plotted to steal. As the masked malefactor perished, an amber annihilator from the outer fringes of matter and thought was unleashed upon Shibuya.
"王!”
Like a tumorous tuscan sun too close to earth, this honey-hued horror distorted and desecrated everything in its presence. The streets started to melt despite the absence of heat. The air curdled into buttery clouds of venom. People it grabbed screaming were tossed into its toothless maws, gnawed by its many gums until they themselves became its teeth. And still they screamed.
“राजा!!”
Those it did not transmute, take hostage, or smear stood teetered on the dagger’s edge of despair. A mere glance of it filled them with dread knowledge, with the accursed understanding that this blonde flood of terror was but a drop of the deluge to come; these were merely flaxen fingers, finding purchase on material soil to drag the rest of the body into egress.
“ملك!”
“Kneel not, friend Sancho,” Quixote told his Master, gently wiping away a stream of foam from the corner of her mouth. “For that man whose name you bear would not.”
король!
“Even he, deprived of tutelage and letters for much of his life, would see that specter as I do.”
König!
“It is merely a dragon. And I-.” he paused to gaze into the bowl of the relic. He could almost see the souls swirling within: 3 winsome, 3 wicked, 6 in all. It would have to do. “-I AM A KNIGHT!"
The man roared. The monster shrieked. The horse charged.
מלך!
Through sheets of hail made from broken sky, over nostrils as wide as trenches, past halls of giggling soft brick, the paladin raced through the tunnel of elbows, eyes, and hair faster than it could deepen, pushed further and fiercer by the quiet wish of that sorrowful youth who had been his squire, that rueful magician who had once disguised herself as his lady.
REX! REX! REX!
His spear and sword long shattered, he held aloft the Grail, heretically named, now wielded with holy intent.
REY! REY DEL MUNDO! REY DE-!
And brought it down as a cudgel upon the face of his enemy.
“Nada.”
The devilry was undone. Man and mania vanished. All had been rescued, and no one was hurt.
That was the last anyone in any world or moment ever saw of Don Quixote.
Until now…
Profile 4
Hidalgo D (Former Skill)
A passive skill common among Spanish Heroic Spirits of the eponymous social class who were burdened by obtuse tax laws that meagerly rewarded them for working little and harshly levied them for working more. It automatically draws in modest amounts of good fortune and material wealth to its user, but it will punish them with heavy demerits if they actively attempt to attain either (ex. they might wind up breaking their fingers if they try to toss a coin into a wishing well). It also affects how its user interacts with magical energy reserves, providing a steady supply of mana until a certain amount is reached. In combat, this potentially allows the user to wield their Noble Phantasms and boost their physical parameters more than is usually safe without fear of draining their Master. As a trade-off, they cannot be empowered past that certain amount of mana without incurring severe penalties on themselves. As a noble of infinitesimal note, Alonso Quixana has this at a low rank.
Ingenious Gentleman B (Congealed Skill)
A scholarly Skill available to Heroic Spirts who accrued knowledge to the point of obsession. Information they attained in life is retained while being enhanced by tertiary data the Servant could have also learned in their era. Opportunities where these facts and processes can be applied will also be more apparent.
In Don Quixote’s case, it functions similarly to True Name Discernment. Borne from his encyclopedic knowledge of books of chivalry, his version of Ingenious Gentleman not only allows him to recognize Heroic Spirits from the stories he read, but also historical and mythological figures from before the year 1605 AD. Following this, he will be made aware of their overall characteristics and biographical minutia if he wasn’t already.
Ideally, knowing a Servant’s identity and various strengths, weaknesses, and neuroses would be tremendous boons for any Master in a Holy Grail War. How Quixote chooses to act on any of it relies solely on his prejudices regarding the target in question. Heroes are irrefutably heroes. Villains should be scorned as villains. Anti-heroes are one or the other depending on how they measure up to the expansive and often contradictory chivalric ethics Quixote tries to live by.
While he wouldn’t go so far as to not exploit a Heroic Spirit’s weaknesses, as that is perfectly in line with how a knight as he understands it would act, he is all too trusting of “Heroic” Servants, and has been duped into acting as the minion of paragons who have become tempted by the Grail whilst ignoring the warnings of such provided by “Villainous” Servants
As a Foreigner, this Skill has become an innate Passive Skill.
Other Skills that Quixote possessed before becoming a Foreigner include Riding D, Madness Enhancement D, Mental Pollution D, Charisma D, and Uncrowned Arms Mastery E.
Profile 5
Quixote’s infamous delusions flummoxed and fascinated those around him, encouraging hundreds of purportedly “sane” citizens to create entire fake kingdoms and to even dress up as knights themselves to take part in the insanity they believed themselves exempt from.
The effect they had on people, and the way they coaxed Quixote to continue his quest in spite of his age and constant calamity, have earned him a low-grade Reality Marble in all his Servant Classes, which has profound ties to his Noble Phantasm, Skills, and stats.
Curiously, Quixote cannot seem to comprehend or acknowledge that he has one.
The Reality Marble allows him to affect the nature of items in his possession and his own parameters depending on how he views them through his warped perspective. If a barber’s basin is mistaken for a magical helmet, it will have abilities comparable (but inferior) to that specific magical helmet. If Quixote believes a worn-down (or even inanimate) mount is a noble steed, it will be imbued with approximate vigor and speed. This rarely has any visual indicators to outside observation, and it cannot alter anything too large or far away. The Reality Marble cannot transform or dominate other people in a traditional sense, but it can faintly nudge them into entertaining the idea of being what Quixote believes them to be; for instance, a Church Executor who Quixote mistakes for a righteous priest may or may not decide to play along and not murder Quixote’s Master as they originally planned due to the pleasant novelty of pretending to be a regular, upstanding agent of God.
The Foreigner container has altered the properties of the Reality Marble somewhat, bolstering its overall performance and giving Quixote the ability to manifest discernible and physiological changes to his equipment and himself. In addition, rather than his mental instability, it is linked to his willpower and imagination instead, making it more limited and volatile, as Quixote will be less spontaneous (and unpredictable) in its application, and moments that demoralize or mentally tax him can fundamentally hobble him more than they would a normal Servant.
MAX LA MANCHA
Rank: EX
Anti-Personal
Range: 1
Maximum Number of Targets: Self
The crown jewel of Quixote’s 51 Ultimate Techniques where he instinctively wraps his entire being with his Reality Marble rather than just specific body parts, allowing him to fully bypass inconvenient laws of physics and the constraints of his physical form (and its equipment). In theory, this would make him capable of altering his form and energy output in diverse and near-limitless ways, but he defaults to using it for doling out colorful violence unimpeded.
Rueful Countenance
Rank: EX
Anti-World
Range: 965.1 km
Maximum Number of Targets: Self
A state of being brought about by Quixote’s Reality Marble being reshaped into a metaphysical tunnel of pure willpower. Unlike the empty husks, broken slaves, and piecemeal avatars that buckle under the supreme weight of the deities they are meant to invoke, Quixote and his irregular constitution permits him the full use of his faculties as he acts as a bridge for such otherworldly beings to cross into conventional reality. Invasive intelligences can thus exert more of their influence with no concern for the typical frailty of their entry point. This bequeathes a smattering of twisted, alien abilities to Quixote that he can wield in his new, inverted crusade.
The Unconquerable Star
Rank: EX
Anti-Nightmare
Range: ?
Maximum Number of Targets: ?
An evolution of Quixote’s original Noble Phantasm: The Unreachable Star EX. Rather than a double-edged ceaseless attack that batters both combatants in an interstellar tempest until one of them yields, it is a dynamo of esoteric, conceptual vigor. Dissimilar from comparable Noble Phantasms that allow certain Servants to call forth anomalous equipment and phenomena, Quixote’s also provides mental “pathways” that those close by can follow to craft inventions and theorems of approximate utility even after he is gone. In essence, his materializations and feats become kin to the Nautilus, Rossum’s Robots, Tom Swift’s Electric Rifle, and countless other fictional devices and concepts that became “real” one way or another. The fantastical is brought closer to the fundamental, which in turn fosters further fantasy, and so on. Also, it helps him fight better.
Clear “Ultrapoliz: The Lake of Superhuman Fantasy”
Once upon a time, a lunatic who went by the name Don Quixote sacrificed his place in the Throne of Heroes to imprison the mighty mustard arm of a golden horror.
It was a vault made from the energies of a Grail, and shaped by his memories. A small library apart and adrift, with nothing but all the stories in the world past and present to help him pass the time, strengthen his will, and most importantly, to keep the monster contained.
For a long, interminable while, it worked.
But when the world ended, so did all the stories.
The room burnt down, the madman gaped in horror, and the horror was let free.
Free into a world with nothing in it.
This displeased the loathsome limb for it had acquired a taste for the tales used to trap it. And if there were no more people - characters - there’d be no one to make them, to tell them, to live them, and to suffer them.
Its outer-dimensional senses and what it had learned during its internment made it aware of a great treasure: a crystallization of pure yearning; a desire that superseded all barriers of nation and belief; the wish to be saved coalesced into a single totem.
The treasure was as fragile and airy as the prayers that had cobbled it together, but if it was planted properly in this bleached purgatory, a new world for mankind would take root.
And the entity knew how to make it happen. It had the expertise needed to cultivate such a miracle. It could, and would, help make the resurrected mankind bloom forever.
All it asked was complete conceptual control of what was made.
Its former jailer, devastated at such death and destruction, took those daffodil digits in hand, and was made strong by them so that he may excavate the totem from the firmament of this bone-white existence.
The partnership was as fruitful as it was short-lived. Upon beholding the treasure with his eyes, and holding it in his hands, the old man understood that what the monster promised was not what those who had made the totem had wished for. The dawn that would come if he surrendered the treasure would not bring joy to the newly reborn, but anguish.
His heart turned once more; for the last time, he hoped. And the enmity between buffoon and beast resumed.
As they battled, the fool created a maze to hide the treasure in. After it was concealed, he burned the map of it from his memory along with all knowledge of the ivory landscapes that lay beyond. This would hinder its discovery, and preserve his courage. For no fool fights harder than one who believes there is something to fight for.
And fight he would, for he had readjusted both the maze and himself to establish a self-perpetuating pretext for his ceaseless struggles. The cloth of a great city was draped over the labyrinth, and the lunatic had shaped himself into the ultimate protector of great cities: the epitome of modern heroism before the modern world was wiped away.
Perhaps it would fare better than a knight would.
On and on they battled for control of the false city and the real treasure that only one of them fully knew about. The devilish dank hand would send down disasters, call forth terrifying menageries, and lay deadly traps. Every single one of these plots was foiled by the All-New, All-Conquering Don Quixote!
And then it summoned You.
The one who made it all go wrong…and ultimately set it right.
Complete Interlude: The Death of Don Quixote, Too!?
In a faraway land you will be lucky to never visit, a king cloaked in fineries the color of weak fire gurgled eagerly beneath its wriggling crown.
The fooleries of the last real knight human history may ever produce had made for an unparalleled feast of abstract amusement.
Yes, it had peaked its head in for a closer look at times as it did when one of the germ-kin fascinated it; tried to form an emotional vector by bringing up their mutual dislike of deadbeat siblings, roughed him up a tad though the idle hands of his shepherds, and redirected the odd bullet fired at him by a Church Assassin. Otherwise, it was a mostly organic treat.
The man was a genuine goof. Such capers he got caught up in! What mayhem he manufactured!
Who would’a thunk such dry books could precipitate a deluge of drama?
That said, a little spice wouldn’t hurt. It could afford to throw some banana peels onto the stage to keep the novelty slick.
To that end, a volunteer! A fellow fan by the name of Sansón Carrasco, who would be prodded into calling himself Sansón Carasco whilst receiving stray thoughts and dissonant sensory stimuli for the foreseeable future.
And what a future: Inexplicable Encounters! Fierce Duels! Facial Prosthetics! And the Knights formerly known as Carasco!
It couldn’t wait to see how Quixote’s madness would evolve after killing this guy.
Gameplay Style
In all his forms, Quixote is a Quick-based, Single-Target Foreigner who is very Critical Star-Centric in that all his Skills consume 4 Critical Stars each to be fully effective; that is, they all buff him (mostly damage mitigation, healing, and debuff protection) and don’t require the stars to be activated, but they’ll provide additional benefits if stars are consumed.
His Mania passive is a Quick version of Madness Enhancement which also improves his NP Gain.
His Noble Phantasm(s) decrease an enemy’s NP gauge, dealing additional damage depending on how high his HP is (increases with Overcharge), and briefly gives him the Rampage buff (3 times), which allows his normal/extra attacks to have AoE properties like Megalos and Arjuna Alter (Boss).
His major weakness (besides needing high HP to do more damage with his NP) lies in how Mania also makes him extremely vulnerable to debuffs. He has difficulty resisting them, so against an enemy that has Charm or Death in their repertoire, he might find himself on the backfoot without proper support.
In terms of animations, Ascension 1 does a lot of strongman superhero attacks, coupled with using the jewels on his hands to make offensive energy constructs like drill lances and star shields. He also does some iconic superhero moves like the Hulk shockwave clap and Captain America’s Shield Slash. One of his Skill activation animations has him leap high into the air offscreen, only to do a superhero landing…in the exact spot he jumped up from. The other has him pull out a pair of glasses from his shadowed eye area (“Yes! It was me!”) so he can toss them behind him. All in all, he fights in a very powerful but comical fashion.
In Ascension 2, his attacks involve him firing emerald energy blasts (Spawn and Green Lantern reference) from the gaping holes in his hands where his jewels once were, wielding his chained books like flails, and opening up the books to perform “summon” attacks based on Superman (in the form of an edited blue Surtr head) and the Flash (in the form of an electrified crimson blur). His Extra Attack has a combo of these that end in his cape becoming bat-like and engulfing the enemy. Skill activation animations involve leafing through either his red or blue book with Quixote musing on what a waste it all is.
Ascension 3’s are the most fantastical. Rocket Lances, Chest Blasts, Jet Boots. He wields his primary weapon with ease and flair, if not elegance. After the pomp of the first Ascension, and the rigidity of the second, this is Quixote in a more relaxed and self-assured posture; there’s a sense of unburdened weightlessness to him, like Exdeath from the original Dissidia Final Fantasy game except not evil. His big visual gimmick is his planet “shield” whose rings grow larger and thicker when he is attacked. His Skill activation animations have him do a simple pose as an emerald light projection of a windmill spins out from his Kamen Rider 1-esque belt. His second has him pull out and leaf through a Don Quixote comic book whose cover features his Second Ascension self reading a Don Quixote comic book whose cover features his First Ascension self reading a Don Quixote comic book whose cover (too small to see) presumably features his original self reading a book of chivalry.
